外贸英语:八级英语为什么写不出好的道歉信

「英文好不代表商业英文好或外贸英文好」很多英文八级的人在开始做外贸时,容易直译老板的原话,且不合理地直接用自己掌握的八级语汇,但顾客希望看到的却是专业行业词汇!这里有个案例,来详细说明!

我们来看看原文。首先,是老板的原话

经过我司业务汇总2015年9月至12月的客诉发现,98%的不良都是由于我司外观检疏忽导致,我首先以我个人的名义向你致以最诚挚的歉意,并对贵司采用全检方式收下这批货物表示感谢。我司将会承担挑选费和不良数量赔偿。
为了保证质量,避免不良产品外流至客户端,我司已经出台外观检标准,加强QC培训并采取员工绩效考核制度。在此,也非常希望贵司能再给我司机会,我们一定保证以后提供的产品绝不会再有类似的情况发生。谢谢理解!

然后,以下是妹子(英文过专业八级的噢)的英文原稿:

After carefully summarizing the claims  from your side dated from September 2015 to December 2015, we are sorry to find that 98% of the defective products are due to our negligence  during the appearance inspection. Here I would like to extend my sincerest apologies to you, on behalf of XXX company and myself. At the same time, we want to thank you for your effort to inspect all the products. We are going to take all the charges for selecting and compensate you for your loss caused by the defective products.
To ensure quality , XXX has already introduced strict appearance inspection standards (since xxxx), which has be constantly used to train and evaluate every employee. We are now confident that defective product will be rejected before shipping to our customers. Here, I very much hope that you could give us another chance to cooperate with each other. We guarantee that similar situation will never occurs again in the future.Thank you for kind understanding!

以上是刚出学校不久,英文过专业八级所写的翻译的英文原稿

 来看一下,做了几十年的资深外贸副总的所做的修改稿

On behalf of the XXX company and with deepest regrets, I would like to express my sincerest apology to the quality defect dated Sep to Dec, 2015.  We will responsible for all the necessary cost including screening and logistic cost due to the delay.

Within XXX, I’ve demanded to setup a cross functional team leaded by our quality VP and championed by myself, with an aim to investigate the situation and focus on the improvement plan.  We are looking into the very fine details of the whole manufacturing process and will impose procedure including visual inspection,acceptance standard review, workers training and so on.  Yet, our aim is to work out the best manufacturing process instead of keep screening and rejecting.  A full improvement report are expected by the end of this week.

This is our fault and I humbly ask for your forgiveness and the opportunity to show our improvement.  We learn from mistake and is confident that will not be happened again.

这里简单做些评析:来看一下英文八级的 妹子的点评

After carefully summarizing the claims(经我司小心总汇。。。字面译得完全没错,老外听起来会觉得怪怪。。)from your side(your side,您那边,很中式,好像谈判中常用,带对立分明的意思)dated from September 2015 to December 2015, we are sorry to find that 98% of the defective products are due to our negligence(天呀,negligence是个法律用语,写合同时用的。这里。。。真不需要语气那么重)during the appearance inspection.(一般「目视检测」会叫做visual inspection。这是品管学用语,很多专业词汇,并不是八级都包括了的)Here I would like to extend my sincerest apologies to you, on behalf of XXX company and myself. At the same time, we want to thank you for your effort to inspect all the products. We are going to take (我会把这句改为we will responsible for。这样更直接,听起来,更有责任感)all the charges for selecting(用screening专业点)and compensate you for your loss caused by the defective products.
To ensure quality(又一个八级没教的专业用法。改为As part of our quality assurance system你的格局就大多了!), XXX has already introduced strict appearance inspection standards (since xxxx), which has be(has been!连我文法那么差都找到错。。但again,只要不影响理解的话还好了。)constantly used to train and evaluate every employee.(不是employee,而是workers。)We are now confident that defective product will be rejected(这样会让老外误解,可以继续生产不合格产品,只需要装船时,去掉不合格的即可!换位思考一下,老外下次还敢下单吗?)before shipping to our customers. Here, I very much hope that you could give us another chance to cooperate with each other. We guarantee that similar situation will never occurs again in the future.(别忘记了,老外做为采购方,对工厂的检验环节很关注,但对生产质量更为关注!)Thank you for kind understanding!

外贸总监修改后的感觉:非常关注顾客的投诉需求,变成负责任,有担当,能解决问题!并让顾客更加信任!

On behalf of the XXX company and with deepest regrets,(深切遗憾,非常标准的常用道谦用语!)I would like to express my sincerest apology to the quality defect dated Sep to Dec, 2015.  We will responsible for all the necessary cost including screening and logistic cost due to the delay.  (注意:如果这样写,你必须了解你的责任可能会是非常大的。因为delay和defect可以引申到很多索偿。)

Within XXX, I’ve demanded(又一个浅白又强大的字眼。Demand。)to setup a cross functional team leaded by our quality VP and championed(Champion是什么你们都懂,但这又是一个高级用法。)by myself, with an aim to investigate the situation and focus on the improvement plan.  We are looking into the very fine details(very的另一种用法,有些学英文的同学可能会懂)of the whole manufacturing process and will impose procedure including visual inspection(不用appearance改用visual),acceptance standard review, workers training and so on.  Yet, our aim is to work out the best manufacturing process instead of keep screening and rejecting.  A full improvement report are expected by the end of this week.

This is our fault and I humbly(humble是一个很好用表达坦承的用字。请别问我还什么这不是解作谦虚)ask for your forgiveness and the opportunity to show our improvement.  We learn from mistake and is confident that will not be happened again.

 

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